50 things I’d rather do than watch Fifty Shades Darker

As another Valentine’s Day dawns, another of E. L. James’ soft-porn flops is unleashed onto the world and devoured by women squealing with delight at the thought of another 90-ish minutes in Mr. Grey’s playroom…

Fifty Shades Darker has hit cinemas and Anna and Christian are back for round two of bizarre fuckery. Apparently this one has been revved up several notches and has more action than you can shake a bondage paddle at.

Apparently a film which centres on a border line abusive relationship – and a lot of weird, intense staring – is perfect for what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year.

I can think of better ways to spend my time than to sit through an hour and a half of Kim Basigner’s face and s&m-gone-Hollywood… I’ve thought of 50 things I would rather do than watch Fifty Shades Darker…

  1. Look at 50 pictures of Rolf Harris whilst listening to white noise.
  2. Undergo colonic irrigation. 50 times.
  3. Run 50 miles, whilst being chased by a stampede of rhinos.
  4. Watch paint dry.
  5. Be locked in a room with Jedward.
  6. Stick my head in a blender.
  7. Stick my head in an oven.
  8. Spend a Saturday Morris Dancing.
  9. Kiss Piers Morgan.
  10. Kiss Katie Hopkins.
  11. Visit Slough.
  12. Spend a Saturday doing actual train spotting.
  13. Collect Bricks.
  14. Be a lawn mowing diarist.
  15. Collect traffic cones.
  16. Clean a vacuum cleaner.
  17. Have a picnic in a sewage tunnel.
  18. Take a 9-hour coach to Blackpool.
  19. Be a rail timetable compiler.
  20. Give Donald Trump a back massage.
  21. Watch copious episodes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
  22. Listen to Peter Andre’s ‘Mysterious Girl’, full blast, on repeat for 50 hours.
  23. Visit Stoke.
  24. Jump in the Thames.
  25. Abseil down The Shard.
  26. Visit Corby.
  27. Drink Tizer.
  28. Spend 50 hours in a shark tank.
  29. Watch Sharknado.
  30. Spend 10 minutes in a butterfly enclosure…
  31. Visit Aleppo.
  32. Wear Crocs.
  33. Lick a battery.
  34. Touch a moth.
  35. Wear a bumbag.
  36. Clean out an oven.
  37. Jump off a (small) cliff.
  38. Snort Dazz.
  39. Drink washing up liquid.
  40. Cuddle Vladimir Putin.
  41. Do the laundry.
  42. Run naked in a field of cacti.
  43. Be juggernauted into space.
  44. Listen to that album Paris Hilton did.
  45. Stick a fork in a plug socket.
  46. Drive full speed into a tornado.
  47. Swim with alligators.
  48. Sit in a restaurant with crying children.
  49. Go to a Justin Bieber concert.
  50. Make a list of 50 things I would rather do than see Fifty Shades Darker.
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